The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

Archive for the ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things!’ Category

The “Middle Wife”

The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher…………..

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing student stands up and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ ( This kid her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

Now you have two choices…laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

Potty Training..for Santa?

We have been struggling with Potty Training for, well, lets just say it’s been a long time. My DB is 3 yrs old now..and in my opinion, should have been through this stage already. I have always thought before that if a child is this long in diapers it is the parents fault. Not strict enough, not enough incentive, or simply a lack of knowledge on how to do it.

After going through this with 3 previous children, I thought this would not be a problem for me. Ha! When they say that boys are no different than girls “they” are lying. At least for me, it has been very different. We have went through “waiting for his time”, encouragement, incentive, punishment, etc. No matter what I read on the subject or tried, it just wasn’t working. He had very little desire to go potty. He was happy with the way is was…until, one day…

After more accidents, my husband comes up with the brilliant idea…while I was out of the house with one of the girls…that he would call Santa Clause! When I get back my DB was in tears, HUGE elephant tears. ?? I am trying to figure out what is going on when I hear the words..called Santa. (OH) Well, he said that if he couldn’t be a big boy…that he couldn’t bring him Thomas the Train. Needless to say, I had to do a little soothing and we had a talk. I told him that he could be a big boy, no worries. We would work really hard together. He shook his little head up and down as his tears subsided and a smile peeked through. Then I got one of those hugs that makes all the hard stuff worth it.

Wow! Who would have thought that a man in a red suit would have so much influence? For the last 2 days we have been practically accident free including the last two nights. He woke up both mornings as dry as could be and went straight to the potty!

I suppose after feeling so bad several days ago and doing so well now, my DB felt the need to show his Daddy that he was no worse for wear. My DB looks at his daddy (with somewhat of a “I won” attitude) and says “I know.”
My husband asked him “what do you know?”
DB “I gonna get two Thomas the Trains from Santa Clause…I a big boy!”…..(“so there!”)


My Little Angel Boy!

There are moments in life that take your breath away. Recently I had one of those days, but it was more like the breath being sucked out of every inch of my body.

I was out and about taking care of the list of endless errands when I decided to take a moment to see what the Goodwill had that I just couldn’t do without. (This is a regular “stop” for me when I have the time.) It had been several weeks since my last visit and had so much in that was new and appealing. I normally will just keep an eye out for nice clothing for the kids and check out the misc. kitchen & household items. Of course, I can’t resist treating my 3 yr old with his “newest” toy. At 25 to 50 cents each it’s not too much for him to ask and I am willing to appease.

On this occasion, I decided to do a little “me” shopping. So, I started in the shoes…:). We hadn’t been there long when my DB says “Mom, we get me car now?”  Me “In just a few minutes, mommy wants to find some cute shoes.”  DB “Me toy now.” Me “We will in just a little bit, as long as you are good.”

All the while, he is playing on the end of the cart while I am trying to distract his little sister from acquiring several pairs of shoes for herself. All of a sudden, he steps off of the cart..feet spread firmly apart with hands on hips, looks straight at me and, as calmly as if he were discussing the weather, says “Don’t Piss Me Off.” …”Silence” from dear mommy……”Wild” Bursts of laughter coming from somewhere close by. Not sure where at the moment due to my stupor of thought. Not even sure that I had heard him correctly. Did my little angel just use an extremely adult sentence? Where did his innocence go? Wasn’t it just this morning he was giving me little angel kisses and telling me that I was the “Best Mommy Ever”?

After a moment, I awakened from my stupor to look in the direction of the boisterous laughter. What do I find? A man in his middle to late 5o’s shopping with his wife. He laughed so hard it made his belly shake. One look at my face and he took off down the next isle ..trying to hide, I’m sure. Didn’t do him any good though, if anything his laughter became more prominent. His wife was a bit more contained as she simply smiled behind the dress she held before her. What could I do? I laughed! Not quite so loud or as long but a chuckle escaped as a smile appeared…just as quickly to be stifled, as I turned to my DB.

Trying to appear stern, so that I could manage the situation. Although, I already knew by the look on his face, I had lost………

So, my angel grew horns. I guess I knew it was coming. 🙂


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